Top TEN Hilarious Jokes About Lawn and Garden Care
10. The Hard-working Chinese Worker.
A hard working Chinese man comes to the landscaping company
looking for work. The boss says “OK, you’re hired. You’re in charge
of the supplies.” In his thick Chinese accent he replies, “The
supplies? OK, I do the supplies.” And he’s hired.
The next morning, the landscapers leave the shop for their day’s
work. When they return in the evening, there is no sign of the
Chinese man. Suddenly he jumps out from behind a building and
shouts –
9. The Short Tree Trimmer.
A rather short man applies for a job as a tree trimmer. “Sorry, says
the foreman, eyeing the man up and down, “You’re just too small.”
“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the tiny man
pleads. “You won’t regret it.”
“Okay,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there? The owner
doesn’t want it anymore. Let’s see if you can chop it down.” Half an
hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. “Where’d you
learn to cut trees like that?” he asks. “The Sahara Forest,” the small
man replies. “You mean the Sahara Desert?” The foreman corrects
him. “Well sure, . . . that’s what they call it now.”
8. Two Worried Husbands.
Two friends were talking and one of them shared, “I think my wife
has a lover, a gardener.” “How do you know,“ his friend replied?
When I returned home after work, I found freshly gathered roses
laying on the bed. Well, the second friend shared, “I think my wife
has a lover also – a plumber.” “How do you know,” the first friend
asked? When I returned home after work, I found a plumber, laying
on the bed.
7. The Generous Rich Man.
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men alongside the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man,
‘Why are you eating grass?’ ‘We don’t have any money for food,’
the poor man replied. ‘We have to eat grass.’
‘Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,’
the rich man said. ‘But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree.’
‘Bring them along,’ the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor
man he announced, ‘You come with us, also.’ The second man, in a
pitiful voice then said, ‘But sir, I also have a wife and six children
with me.’ ‘Bring them all, as well,’ the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the rich gent and said, ‘Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you.’ The rich man replied, ‘Glad to do it.
You’ll really love my place. My grass is almost a foot high.’
6. Two Naïve Landscapers.
Two landscapers serious about their trade met in the park, one
carrying a brand new chain saw. The first landscaper said:
“Where’d you get that chainsaw?” The other answered: “A
gorgeous blonde came up to me. She set the saw down on the
ground, ripped off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want!”
The first arborist replied: “Good choice…the clothes probably
wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
5. The Sick Tree Trimmer.
A tree trimmer stumbles into the doctor’s office with a branch
protruding from his belly button and says… “doc, I don’t feel so
good.” After looking him over the doctor replies, “It’s no wonder.
You’re not eating properly!”
4. Chainsaw Cuts Off Workers Head.
A tree trimmer is cutting down a tree with a chainsaw while his
hired laborer watches. Suddenly he slips and accidentally cuts his
laborer’s head clean off at the shoulders. The tree trimmer reports
the accident to his foreman. The foreman says: “Well somebody’s
going to have to tell his wife”, to which the tree trimmer replies “I
feel a bit guilty so I’ll go.”
The tree trimmer turns up at the wife’s house, but so she wouldn’t
think he was some kind of sick jokester, he takes the
decapitated head with him. Holding the head by the hair behind his
back, he knocks on the door. A woman opens the door: “Yes?”
“Excuse me,” says the tree trimmer “Does your husband work as a
landscaper?” “Yes,” says the woman.” “Does he have black hair
and a black beard?” “Yes” “And a scar down his left cheek?” “Yes,
that’s him” says the woman. “Well is this him?” says the guy, pulling
the head from behind his back. No,” says the woman. “No?” says
the tree trimmer, surprised. “My husband is a lot taller than that.”
3. Tomatoes Won’t Ripen.
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes
won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green
tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor
and says, “Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do
about it?” Her neighbor replies, “Well, it may sound absurd but
here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into
your garden, and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the
dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all
be red, you’ll see.” Well, what the heck? She does it. The next
day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So-so,” she answers, “The
tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches
longer.”
2. Mixed Up Flowers.
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends
wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at
the new business site and the owner read the card: “Rest in
Peace.” The owner was annoyed, and called to complain. “Sir, I’m
really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended,” said the
florist. “But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place
today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations
on your new location.”
1. Wife Cutting the Lawn.
Simon’s mower motor had finally given up the ghost. His wife,
Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass
grew too tall, but the message wasn’t getting through, and Simon
kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs. Frustrated,
Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her
point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting
in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then
went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where
he handed her a toothbrush. ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the sidewalks,’ said Simon ungraciously.
